​​'boiled potato makes me gag' 

Newcastle Poetry Prize 2024 - Dombóvár

​

Part 1

I've taken a year round trip 

back to the date 

of my one of a kind abortion.

 

I was too nauseous to be nervous, or 

rather, awfully nauseous, a little nervous and

looking forward to it. 

The anaesthetist gave me 

a task, count up to 10. I made it

to two. The anti-nausea 

turned my poop 

to moss for a week.

 

(                                    

 

                                        )

 

Back from the ether 

I was greeted by a nurse 

and an indecipherable question 

which after several attempts

my brain finally registered as

‘Would you like some tea?’.

 

(

 

                   …

 

                                         )

 

Here I am, precisely one year on with

a woman I’ve never met asking, ‘So 

when are you having a baby?’ 

‘I have one already

Frankie, my cat.’ 

‘Uh no sweetie’

She nibs at my younger sister 

as she says ‘My first at your age’

jabs in my air

‘My second at yours and my

third last year. 

 

You need a baby.’ Oh,

makulit Tita how I wish 

I kept my tiny

vacuumed foetus as a talisman

wore it around my neck to 

ward off people like you. 

 

Part 2

 

(                                    

 

                   ;

 

                                        )

 

To be honest, I've always coddled my dream: 

my own children. So, I entertained 

your beginning, asked if we should keep you

but his no turned into mine. 

 

10 days after conception 

I felt, what my mind could only describe 

as a little black ping pong

snug in my uterus.

 

During my 8 weeks of pregnancy

I was not tired. 

I was barely. 

My body craved horizontality. 

I could smell the posters on the wall. 

Water had an aftertaste. 

 

The only things I could eat were crackers 

a banana

the cool air. 

 

I woke several times in the night

from the foetus’ feckless father’s

rancid coffee induced

gastro-oesophageal reflux.

 

I thought pregnancy would be

the death of me.

 

(

 

                   .

 

                                         )

 

He said when we're ready I better

find a way to be less weak

be less boiled potato makes me gag

be less overwhelmed by just being awake 

be less all my clothes make me feel heavy, I can feel the seams, they’re scratching my skin

be less lose 3kg

be less please clean the stove I can smell it across the apartment

 

He said it was a horrible experience

for him

he didn't want to go through such worry again. 

 

I took an Uber to the clinic.